Grief: An Opportunity For Deeper Healing

 

Grief is the experience of deep sorrow and longing. Many times we think of grief only from the perspective of the loss of a loved one, but the truth is that in experiences of  trauma, and on our healing journey, grief shows up in many ways. You can grieve things you never received, the pain of experiences you've had, the loss of dreams. 

 I discovered a longing for a previous version of myself.

At the beginning of May I decided to be more intentional about embarking on a deeper level of healing. I discovered a longing for a previous version of myself. I wanted to be freer, more open in my search for partnered love and actually wanted to regain some of the naïveté/innocence that I had when I was younger. 

As I went on this journey with a new helper I discovered that there was so much I had to grieve before I could find what I was looking for. The psyche is amazing! I had suppressed details of experiences that lived in my body and as I asked to heal...

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"You Deserve Better!"

We often hear the phrase you deserve better and when we hear that phrase we think about what other people need to do for us and what are the ways that other people show up that do not feel aligned with what we desire. We think about what are the things that other people do that "make" us feel bad or to have negative feelings about ourselves. We even consider what are the things that we accept in our relationships with others that put us in this place where we feel like we should have “more.” The more refers to the gap between what we offer others vs. what we're receiving; and what we expect vs. what is done; the potential of an experience vs. the reality of the experience. 

Why do we accept less? 

We stay in relationships and patterns because they serve us in some way. They serve a story that we tell ourselves about who we need to be and what we deserve. It helps us PROVE something.

The most common story that trauma teaches us is that we need to...

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Your Most Authentic Self

Healing is about learning your most authentic self. Although many people seek guidance from a therapist/coach/healer because they are in a place of discomfort or pain, I believe that the pain point is something inside of you pushing you out of your comfort zone to reach the place you are proposed to be.

Many of us “learn” how to show up in the world. We are given external consequences (rewards or punishments) for the things that we do or say. These consequences either expand our behaviors or they limit them. We then create meaning and internal stories about who we need to be and extrapolate that to future situations. When the consequences have been painful, our thinking about who we are and the options that we have in life can feel very limiting. It can feel like you are in a box and like your life is so small. For many, it can feel like pain is really all that there is. Whether the pain exists because you will never be fulfilled or it exists because you experience...

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The Hardest Part Of Healing: Vulnerability

R.A.W.: Real, Aware & Whole
The Hardest Part Of Healing: Vulnerability
4:06
 

In recent weeks we have seen several Black public figures die by suicide. In each of these cases I have seen the question asked - what was wrong - because everything seemed right. I am sure that all of us have experienced being on one end of this experience or the other. We have either been the person or known the person who seemed like everything was good, but things, in fact, were not.

As I meet new clients, every time I start a new R.A.W. cohort, as I delve into new spiritual realms and continue on my own personal healing journey, the avoidance of vulnerability is ever present. Over and over again I'm confronted with the ways we feel we are expected to show up and the direct opposition to healing that creates. Over and over again I see the ways that many of us do not trust people to show up for us. Over and over again I see the ways that we do not fully trust ourselves to investigate that gut instinct we have that something is brewing, something is wrong, something needs to...

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2022: Dive Into YOU

The time has come for us to say good-bye to 2021. And just like ending 2020 it seems like there is so much that surprised us about this year as our world consistently seems to be turned upside down on its head. It seems like there are very few things we can plan for and very few things that we can say that we know for certain. 

The truth is, we never knew these things but we used to be able to trick ourselves. 

My ask for you is to be okay with that. I know that is hard. I know that a part of the story we create and the “thing” that we do is to prepare. We prepare by wanting to know who will be present, what we will be doing, what the outcomes will be so that we can decide how we will behave. We believe that this is what will make things okay. And in the world that we know today, we do not know any of these things so many find themselves feeling lost, despondent and anxious. The truth is, we never knew these things but we used to be able to trick ourselves....

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Dive Deeper: There Is No Healing Without Spiritual Practice

R.A.W.: Real, Aware & Whole
Dive Deeper: There Is No Healing Without Spiritual Practice
5:09
 

I often say that "healing" is a journey home to self. It is the development of such a deep connection to self that when discomfort, pain and trauma triggers show up you know what is happening and you have the skills to be able to choose how you desire to respond to. You are no longer simply moving and reacting to things, but there is a process you engage in when things occur that allow you to center and choose

There are very few of us that will ever be devoid of trauma triggers, ego, anxiety or sadness. These things will show up in our lives in some way over and over and over again. Life is filled with so many variables that will impact us and that will impact how we view the world and behave. But this "journey" of healing is about going inward, going so deep that you know yourself so well and understand your patterns, your choices and what it takes to take care of you so that no matter what happens you don't feel broken. 

One of the greatest aspects of self care IS...

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Only For Us & Created By Us: How Homogeneous Spaces Help Black Women Heal

The past few days have been very interesting for me. I’ve been paying attention to the discussion on social media about Black women only spaces and if they are necessary for healing. This is something that has come to my mind often as I developed my practice and as I decided to create R.A.W.: Real, Aware & Whole. This weekend I think I finally found the words to describe it. 

I’ve toyed around with discussing this topic before but really didn’t have the language for it. Maybe it was fear about the reactions of others that stopped me from even trying to think it through. Exclusive spaces and therapy work goes against all my formal education. But as I committed to writing this over the past week, there have been events in my life that have shown me EXACTLY why Black women need spaces for us and by us that support us in our healing.

“Why’d you send me to this white school.”

On Friday, my daughter went to her first homecoming dance. Where...

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The Trauma of Returning to "Normal"

Here we are 1 ½ years from the time that the world first went into lock down. We enjoyed the summer and all the opportunity for activity, but now many are being triggered by the demands to return to the more traditional aspects of pre-pandemic life: out-of-home work and school.

For many, when the world first “stopped” there was a sigh of relief. Yes, we were scared about what COVID meant for our health and the safety of our friends and families, but we also thought that for a few weeks we could live life differently and engage with work and our social life on our own terms. Sure, we missed some of the things that we wanted to do, and the freedom of doing things the way that we wanted to do them, but we learned to create a way of living that met many of our needs. Not having to leave the house daily meant that we could curate lifestyles that prioritized our wellness in whatever way best suited us. Maybe that meant waking up later, working out more, cooking at...

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I Had COVID & Learned So Much.

This blog entry is not a substitute for medical advice. This is my personal experience and information received from my own research. This article is not to suggest that any remedies used will absolutely work for you. For any information on COVID-19, please consult your personal physician.

 

I have been trying to figure out how to talk about this issue for a while. COVID has impacted all of our lives, in so many ways. But perhaps the most troubling thing to me of late is how we are choosing to live with the uncertainty that this disease brings. Yes, we have seen so many people die from it in the past year. It has limited our social interactions and business interactions. Some people are angry at what is, what has been and what could be. For many, hope feels limited. But what is breaking my heart is the level of anger, lack of empathy and divisiveness that has been driven by, what I believe to be, fear based reporting on this topic. 

 

 I know what happens to our...

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Learning Through Discomfort

Discomfort is probably the most challenging thing for us to sit through. I am someone who, typically, curates my life in such a way that I limit my discomfort. I work hard so that I can resource a lot of my personal needs. For instance, I have a housekeeper that comes twice per month, I order my groceries to be delivered, I use Ubereats frequently and feel no guilt and right now I have a personal chef who prepares my meals because my diet is very different from that of my daughter. 

I do not like discomfort! That is, unless it comes to dealing with my emotions. 

I am currently going through what is known in my spiritual tradition as "the year in white." As a newly initiated priest in Lucumi (an African spiritual tradition), I have dedicated the next year of my life to understanding myself more and studying spiritual science. This process builds discipline, helps you to focus on your personal values, as well as provides a unique opportunity for me to immerse...

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